• Homenaje a Lisa Gulya

    I am told there are 7 planets in retrograde. So clearly shit is poppin.

    I really dove into Danay Suárez. I fell deeply in love with Preguntas.

    The opening line is everything. Trying not to overstate it but Christ Jesus I am always talking about ones political voice etc..

    Que es lo que nos hace tropezar
    Y darle silencio a nuestra voz?



    I am really happy you shared this with me but in some ways, I wish it didn’t come from you. Basically, I don’t need to feel more attached to you than I already do. More on that in a second.

    Preguntas reminds me of one of my favorite folk songs by Atahualpa Yupanqui

    To me, it’s one of the most powerful, evocative and visual songs that I know of.

    This particular clip has a little intro, the song starts at about 3 minutes.He mentions that he was jailed five days because of the song.



    What comes across to me strongly is this central notion of musings, questions and despair. This sense of simple but profound deep reflection. Also the idea of historical memory and generational harm.

    Preguntitas Sobre Dios was covered by many of his contemporaries. I think others are better able to evoke the imagery in the lyrics.

    This one is from Victor Jara and includes some goofy translated to English lyrics along with a disorienting slide show.



    In a similar vein Violeta Parra’s rendition of La Carta is one of my all time favorites. Every line is such a treasure and so significant.



    She also wrote the best break up song I know of, La Jardinera. Tender but assertive. Musing and brilliant. Vulnerable and so strong.



    I am very impressed and heartened that you keep sharing things with me that are so meaningful and on point. It keeps a certain sense of intimacy that is both welcome and threatening.

    There is always a lot I want to share with you and I don’t really know how to do it or whether I should. I remain just as confused and disoriented as when we were going on dates.

    Lisa, I have said it and it bears repeating that I have been really into you.

    Accordingly, ongoing contact feels tense cause I enjoy it just as much as I did when we were dating, but we aren’t anymore. It's too much for me. I have a bad habit of holding on too long. I just can’t get into my old habit of getting stuck attaching and indulging in interacting with women who aren’t prepared to or want to reciprocate. I  just can’t have that. I wanna be able to give my energy to the women that want to be with me and explore, and these lingering feelings obstruct that process. I do want to find someone that I can build a life with and maybe have a child. 

     

     



    So unless something has changed about the way you feel about or want to approach me I really have to ask you to take a far step back and let me have a lot more control over our interactions. It will likely mean long gaps and a sense of perpetual distance. Which won’t be pleasant for me cause I have enjoyed you in my life so much.

    I think about you too much.

    As I go on my hikes, that were largely inspired by you, I can’t stop myself from thinking how much I wanna share those moments with you and your pooch, watching you enjoy all the critters and plants, glowing in the sunlight.  

     

     

    There has also been a lot of healing too. I appreciate now that I have had a lifetime of feeling unsafe. Is starting to settle down a bit. Which is hilarious cause Trump=Fascism. As I go on these trails, I can feel my protective instincts bubble up as I hear the sounds of the earth living around me.

     

     

    I go back to being little and being mindful of the gang members around me. So I am also reminded of my therapist always telling me, "you are safe now." I can now appreciate that my tendency to walk into a room or explain something that happened and focus on what pissed me off is also related to that instinct to protect. So I am REALLY appreciating you nudging me out of that.

    There is a new Mexican ice cream shop near my apartment, La Michoacana. of course I think about you when I drive by it. Wanting to walk you through all the different flavors like my personal favorite, Mamey. I broke down and got two scoops. (I only ate one)

    I first had Mamey when I did human rights accompaniment work with the Zapatistas. It's a very uncommon fruit rarely found even in the Mexican markets in Los Angeles. It has this rich earthy nut tone to it and a vibrant incomparable color.

    I also bought these pop up cards. I remember thinking, "Lisa would of really liked these"

     

    It isn’t all day thing, but I do see you everywhere and its both comforting and agonizing. Despite only dating for a month things still feel a bit raw. Then I remember I had a crush on you for so long and we started talking about going on a date in April. I was way more persistent then I tend to be.  


    I have been really wanting to talk to you about my last visit with Zeke. When I first met him, he was a source about prison labor. Our time together or over the phone was always limited, so it was essential to get the info out. I wanted to get to know him, but there literally was not enough time. It felt transactional and tense for me but it mattered, and then I knew the article I was developing would matter.

    After his mom died and TC Daily Planet butchered our piece, our relationship started shifting. As I began to embrace the fact that I am a writer and I have a clear albeit maturing voice Zeke and I were able to start relating to each other as peers. In many ways Zeke has also mentored me since he has been writing for so long and has been published in so many different ways. I can say now that we are friends forged by a common impulse to not give in to the world around us but to instead write about it and enjoy the community that emerges.


    And I wanna tell you about this fantastic moment we had.

    I worry about him because he has a tendency to be depressive and has had some suicidal episodes. 

    Since we always talked through a glass screen thing, we never got to hold each other. Now that we have contact visits at Faribault he has noticed how large I am but also thinned out over the last several months. So naturally, he was asking me about Crossfit. I was telling him about my no carb thing, and he got a little sad. A big part of his book and identity is his Italian heritage. He recounts in loving detail the meals his dad would make while his mother hosted and shined. So he was worried that I wouldn’t be able to eat his homemade pasta once he gets out. I promised I would gobble all that shit up! So generally I was just glad to hear that he is making plans, focused on his release.

    Zeke and I are very different folks, but we connect. Similarly, I feel like you and I relate strongly. I think that we have a lot in common. I can see and feel it. Which is a difficult thing for me to admit since you are pretty white and middle class. But its essential for me as I come to terms with my the way my Mexican white middle-class mother influenced me and the inheritance that comes with that.


    I would never regard you as bitchy. Part of the reason I will never be mad at you is that I identify with it. Putting a hard shell, pushing away, with moments of tenderness breaking through with intensity. If it’s anything close to how I am or have been, I would just as quickly assume that it’s the same sort of anxiety around intimacy and vulnerability. So ultimately I feel like I identify with you. I wonder what's common in our past that at least to me binds us.

    So, in the end, I welcome these feelings of comfort and identification cause they are nice feelings but you were pretty clear about the limits of our romantic possibilities, so I need to find a better home for all this energy. I don't feel good about all this but it feels like a necessity. I may have to unfollow you on Instagram as well.

    I saw your Bumble profile and was like 'uuuuuugh"

    Miss you 

    Fili

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